If you’ve read my newsletters or emails previously year, you understand I sign most “With joy and ease, Debra “.When I write “with joy and ease”, am I wanting to convey to you that I’m constantly joyous and everything in my life is really a cinch? (In other words, am I LYING?) Certainly not.
With this specific signature I intend to remind you and myself to choose the path toward fulfilling purpose that feels joyous and easy. In the flow. Right for us. Although not anything that feels in this way also feels effortless.
In fact, over the season since I’ve refocused connect2 Corporation to guide women entrepreneurs to cultivate their businesses, I’ve frequently felt I’ve been powering through. Although I’ve known I’ve been living the trail that’s right for me – doing the professional work I’m meant to be doing plus looking after my children, my home and myself – often I’ve allowed the amount to get blaringly high. I’ve been doing the right things but so many of these simultaneously! Why? Because I’ve been afraid. Afraid that when I decrease, my children will suffer. Or my business will suffer. Or my divorce process will decrease further. Or more. Or worse.
So as much as I’ve been practicing surviving in experience of Spirit, I’ve already been burning out my power supply. Pretty consciously. Not ready to see a much better way because I was convinced I was right: I was alone, solely responsible. And apparently, because I was fearful of upsetting anyone – especially my clients or loved ones – I clung to these beliefs.
But about monthly ago my motor burned out. (Please forgive my metaphors if they don’t really make mechanical sense.) I’d been gearing up for my divorce trial, scheduled for June 28 and 29. Expecting it to be physically and emotionally exhausting, I conserved my energy spotify a course in miracles. I chose not to wait a club mitzvah or a dear friend’s wedding – both out of town – to help keep focused. I swallowed my pride and faced my fears to require help. (And gratefully received it!) Used to do my level best to organize, to make sound and rational choices. Obviously, my days were still overly full. And I noticed things kept going wrong. These were not working out with ease. I felt out of the flow. I sensed I was in power struggle. But I kept trying. And then, less than fourteen days prior to the trial was scheduled to begin, I heard it was probably be postponed for at least six months. The adrenaline I’d been living off plummeted. And I crashed hard.
First, I cried. (For me, this is always an accomplishment.) Then I felt too drained to move. To see clients. To go back telephone calls, even personal ones. To write. I was fried. I assumed this is all merely emotional, as postponement of the trial (and therefore its ultimate resolution) was deeply disappointing and frustrating to me. Works out I also had strep throat. And then a sinus infection. All I possibly could do, for all, a number of days, was rest. I humbly postponed client meetings. I took some slack from typical marketing activities. I cancelled work outs. I stopped cooking. I knew I’d reached my limit.
Reaching my limit was a miracle. (My favorite definition of “miracle” is from A Course in Miracles: “a shift in perception.”) I finally shifted my perception of myself to someone permitted to stop. Someone for whom it is safe to stop. Someone who are able to stop constantly moving, tend simply to her needs, and survive it. Simply for a while.
The kids understood. My friends understood. My clients were very kind about it. Dear people made time to bring me food and perform a few plenty of our laundry. And I healed.
A Course in Miracles also says “Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle could be the love that inspires them. In this sense anything that comes from love is really a miracle.” My miracle is that I finally loved myself enough to stop looking after anything else and start nurturing only me. Naps. Bravo TV. Plenty of books. Soothing music. Quiet time. Meditation. A few lovely days on Cape Cod in quite a inn all by myself.
My fear that when I stopped, everything would crash down around me — was False Evidence Appearing Real. Stopping was absolutely necessary. Ultimately rejuvenating. And I found energy and support to clear my ex’s possessions out my home. And to clean out everything the kids had outgrown. Then I read and napped some more. The days were a cloud of alternating activity and rest – all off my usual beaten path.
Out of this whole experience I remembered I am loved, by my parents, friends, Spirit, myself, and people I didn’t even know had been thinking of me. After more than fourteen days far from business I figured I must schedule regular, true downtime for myself – possibly even take 2 weeks far from work 2-3 times per year. Radical. Easy. Lovely. Loving.